


It's Better That Way

by Merytsetesh



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, Humor, Innuendo, dwarves singing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2018-01-13 20:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1239055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merytsetesh/pseuds/Merytsetesh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo learns a classic dwarven love ballad. </p>
<p>...Kind of. Less of a love ballad and more of a drinking song about love. Only without very much love, just lots of innuendo. Actually it's just a bawdy pub song.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Better That Way

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Čeština available: [Ať je nám hej!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3926494) by [squire (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/squire)



> Inspired by a fic that I cannot find or recall the name of where Bofur sings “Roll Your Leg Over” in one random scene. I thought it was a great song for the dwarves and needed it's own fic. If anyone knows what fic this is PLEASE tell me!

The Company of Thorin Oakenshield had been traveling for nearly a month and their hobbit was finally adjusting to his new nomadic lifestyle. Now that the week long rainstorm had finally relented, the journey was almost enjoyable, though the mode of transportation left something to be desired. His bed was still too hard and the meals meager, but the wilderness was strangely beautiful, a far cry from the flowering meadows and carefully tilled fields of the Shire. For the first time in his life Bilbo was seeing in person the world he'd known only in maps.

The summer night was pleasantly cool after the rain so Bilbo laid out his bedroll near the cook fire, now burnt down to embers. Using a split log as a seat, he'd just settled in for a smoke when on the other side of the fire Bofur slid up to Kíli, casual as you please, and asked, “Roll your leg over, lad?" with a wag of one bushy eyebrow.

Bilbo nearly swallowed his pipe.

He'd gotten a preview of the dwarven concept of proper etiquette back at Bag End, but this! Hobbits certainly got up to their fair share of nonsense, but to bluntly proposition someone in such a rude way? It was the height of bad manners.

Apparently dwarves are more...liberal about such dealings, because Kíli only grinned. "I'm always up for a round.” Then to Bilbo's horror he motioned to _his brother_. “Fíli, come join us!"

Bad enough they were right in the open, but all three of them? And two of them siblings! Bilbo glanced around to see if any others of the company were going to...well, he didn't know _what_ exactly he expected them to do about the situation. Unfortunately, those that were awake seemed unconcerned with the activities in their midst. Worse, it seemed the trio had no intentions of leaving the center of camp to find somewhere more private for their dalliance. Bilbo was just about to gather his things to relocate, when Bofur, instead of snogging anyone, opened his mouth to sing. The hobbit's relief lasted as long as it took Bofur to finish the first verse.

 

_If all the young lassies were ripe fruits and berries,_

_I'd squeeze all their melons and nibble their cherries!_

_So roll your leg over and roll your leg over,_

_Roll your leg over, it's better that way!_

 

The second part was apparently the chorus as the brothers joined in, Fíli with a passable tenor and Kíli off key but enthusiastic.

"Ah, that's a classic," said Kíli.

"It's good to see young dwarves with an appreciation for the finer arts.”

“My turn,” said Fíli. He cleared his throat dramatically.

 

_If all the young lasses were opals and rubies,_

_And I were a jeweler, I'd shine up their boobies!_

_So roll your leg over and roll your leg over,_

_Roll your leg over, it's better that way!_

 

“Way to a girl's heart right there: compare her tits to rubies,” said Fíli.

Kíli nodded sagely. “My turn. Be gentle, I came up with this one myself.”

 

_If all the young lasses were nuggets of ore,_

_I'd grab my pick and go digging for more!_  

_So roll your leg over and roll your leg over,_

_Roll your leg over, it's better that way!_

 

Bofur stroked his mustache thoughtfully. “Cadence is maybe a wee bit awkward, but lovely play on words there.”

“Thanks, I thought so myself.”

They continued on that vein for a while before they were joined by Nori and Ori. The younger dwarf declined to sing, content to listen, but Nori wasn't as shy.

 

_If all the young lasses were locks on a gate,_

_Then I’d be the key to insert and rotate!_

 

He finished the last line swirling his index finger in the air.

“Ha! As if you would use a key!” Bofur laughed.

“Nonsense, I've used plenty of keys. I borrow them from the city guard all the time!”

“Is that why Dwalin keeps giving you the stink eye?”

“That's not the only thing hanging below his belt I've gotten my hands on, if you take my meaning,” Nori chuckled.

“Now there's a story I'd like to hear!”

“I'd rather not,” said Ori, looking a little green. Kíli mimed gagging.

"Do hobbits sing much?"

It took a moment for Bilbo to realized Bofur had directed the question at him. He sputtered a little, embarrassed to be caught eavesdropping, although one could hardly call it such when the conversation in question was only a few feet away.

“Yes, hobbits are quite musical. We have songs for every occasional! I've written quite a few myself, in fact.”

“Care to share?”

“Oh no, I couldn't—”

But Kíli and Fíli had already moved to sit on the ground on either side of Bilbo, looking up at him with big eyes. “C'mon, give us a verse!"

They made a right nuisance of themselves, Bofur, Nori, and Ori included, and after much begging and pleading Bilbo relented.

“Alright, but you can't judge, putting me on the spot like this. I've no time to come up with anything better.”

 

_If all the young lasses were pies on a plate,_

_I'd l-lick out the filling of each that I ate!_

 

The dwarves roared with laughter. Bofur slapped Bilbo on the back. "Very nice, Master Baggins! Leave it to a hobbit to make food sexy, eh?"

Bilbo blushed, pleased with the compliment despite himself. “It's not my best work, but I try.” He noticed Ori had pulled out his notebook and was writing, presumably the couplet Bilbo had just composed. The lad was the journeyman scribe and the official chronicler of the quest, which Bilbo was given to understand was a very important role. The reclaiming of Erebor was to be his masterwork, provided they survive the dragon, of course. Given what Ori was writing now he could only imagine how future generations of dwarves would remember Bilbo Baggins, “that hobbit who sang the verse about pie filling."

His thoughts were interrupted when Fíli leaned in close to Bilbo with a cheeky smile. "I think us lads are feeling neglected, isn't that right Kíli?"

"Very much so, do tell us about our filling."

"Don't talk about your filling, I used to change your nappies," a not-so-asleep Balin grumbled from across camp, much to the brothers' mortification. When Bofur stopped laughing at them he took up the next verse.

 

_If all the young laddies were colts in a stable,_

_I'd saddle them up and ride all that I'm able!_

 

Fíli elbowed Bofur's side. “I thought your pony seemed awfully friendly. My turn.”

 

_If all the young laddies were flames in a fire,_

  _I'd be the bellows and blow them all higher !_

 

“'Cause you're full of hot air,” said Kíli and and even Bofur groaned at the pun, but Fíli was quick to get his revenge.

 

_If all the young lads were as handsome as Fíli,_

_They'd take all the lasses and leave none for Kíli!_

 

Kíli yelled something in Dwarvish and tackled his brother to the ground. While they rolled around like puppies, Nori sang the next verse under his breath.

 

_If ever an elf would come down from her tree,_

_I'd give her some wood and let her climb me._

 

“Ooh, you dirty bugger! Don't let Thorin hear you talkin' that way,” Bofur scolded with a wagging finger, though his wide grin rather ruined the effect.

Nori shrugged. “I'm an equal opportunity kind of dwarf. Never had an elf before. Or a hobbit.” He winked at Bilbo, who wasn't sure if he should be offended or flattered.

 

_If all the young laddies were carved out of rock,_

_I'd be mason and polish their—_

 

Bilbo did not get to find out just what Kíli would be polishing (though he could guess) because just then Thorin sat bolt upright and bellowed, “If all the young dwarrows don't soon go to bed I'm getting my sword to bash in their heads! Kíli, Fíli, stop teaching Ori bad habits. Bofur since you started this you can have first watch and _wipe that smirk off your face Nori_ because you go right after him.” He then flopped back down with a huff, turning his back to the fire.

The impromptu choir dispersed to their beds, grumbling (“Did Uncle just yell in rhyme?” “How did he write that so quickly?") and Bilbo hid under his own blanket before Thorin could think to yell at him, too. Out of sight, out of mind, or so he hoped. The camp quickly grew quiet except for the snoring of dwarves and the sounds of night animals and insects. Bilbo was nearly asleep when Bofur, who had laid his bedroll next to Bilbo's, scooted close to whisper.

 

_If certain old kings were more frequently humped,_

_I'd bet my hat he'd be less of a grump._

 

Bilbo smothered his giggles into his blanket.

 

END 

**Author's Note:**

> "Roll Your Leg Over" is a real song often performed at Renaissance Fairs. There are no complete lyrics because there are dozens of verses and people are constantly writing more. Half of the verses appearing in this fic were written by myself to fit the scene.


End file.
